The South Rises Again - By Jimmy Petrol

There is talk of secession in the South once agin’. The white folk down yonder ain’t takin’ lightly the ‘lection of a half-breed ***** to the Presidency. The Klan is recruiting and white supremacists everywhere are happy as pigs in shit to have something to use as touchstone. For them, President Obama is a godsend; only a black man in the Whitey-House could give them so much fuel for their pointless and dick-less agenda.

They are talking about seceding from the American Union. Consulting a map of the election results, it is apparent that the South is nearly as isolated politically as it is mentally. The entire nation is “blue” except for the “slave states”. I ignore the vast areas of red in the middle-north portion of the country, which are basically unpopulated, frozen territories inhabited by the odd Tribe of Luther. These vast swaths of red across the country represent only a tiny portion of the tiny-brained; most live in the South.

Last time the South tried to secede, the North wouldn’t hear of it and spent the lives of many American men, boys, women and children to force the Southerners to remain part of the United States. The result is that we, as a people, have to carry the burden of the Southern people....and they are a burden.

A huge portion of Southerners are obese. This leads to a plethora of health problems related to obesity, the care for which falls upon the more healthy Americans in other states. In fact, the likelihood that a state would vote “red” is predictable based on just three factors: obesity, whiteness and Wal-Marts!

Here is the data: (from www2.hawaii.edu/~bergen/bush.html)

% Bush 2000 % B.A. or higher % Obese % Caucasian Walmarts/100K inhabitants
Alabama 56.5% 22.7% 28.4% 71.1% 2.18
Alaska 58.8% 24.0% 23.5% 69.3% 1.39
Arizona 51.0% 26.0% 20.1% 75.5% 1.02
Arkansas 51.3% 17.4% 25.2% 80.0% 3.30
California 41.7% 29.8% 23.2% 59.5% 0.49
Colorado 50.8% 36.0% 16.0% 82.8% 1.43
Connecticut 38.4% 33.5% 19.0% 81.6% 0.95
Delaware 41.9% 28.1% 24.0% 74.6% 0.98
DC 9.0% 46.4% 20.3% 30.8% 0.00
Florida 48.8% 25.8% 19.9% 78.0% 1.18
Georgia 55.0% 25.0% 25.2% 65.1% 1.44
Hawaii 37.5% 27.0% 16.4% 24.3% 0.56
Idaho 67.2% 22.5% 21.8% 91.0% 1.24
Illinois 42.6% 28.1% 23.2% 73.5% 1.14
Indiana 56.6% 22.2% 26.0% 87.5% 1.63
Iowa 48.3% 24.6% 23.9% 93.9% 2.04
Kansas 58.0% 31.0% 22.6% 86.1% 2.24
Kentucky 56.4% 21.3% 25.6% 90.1% 1.97
Louisiana 52.6% 22.3% 24.8% 63.9% 2.11
Maine 44.0% 23.7% 19.9% 96.9% 1.91
Maryland 40.2% 37.2% 21.9% 64.0% 0.94
Massachusetts 32.5% 37.6% 16.8% 84.5% 0.70
Michigan 46.1% 23.3% 25.2% 80.2% 0.90
Minnesota 45.5% 32.7% 23.0% 89.4% 1.17
Mississippi 57.6% 19.3% 28.1% 61.4% 2.43
Missouri 50.4% 26.6% 23.6% 84.9% 2.24
Montana 58.4% 24.9% 18.8% 90.6% 1.31
Nebraska 62.2% 26.8% 23.9% 89.6% 1.49
Nevada 49.8% 21.2% 21.2% 75.2% 1.16
New Hampshire 48.2% 34.0% 20.2% 96.0% 2.33
NewJersey 40.3% 33.4% 20.1% 72.6% 0.49
NewMexico 47.8% 23.7% 20.2% 66.8% 1.65
NY 35.2% 29.6% 20.9% 67.9% 0.50
NorthCarolina 56.0% 23.8% 24.0% 72.1% 1.42
NorthDakota 60.7% 25.2% 23.7% 92.4% 1.58
Ohio 50.0% 25.0% 24.9% 85.0% 1.18
Oklahoma 60.3% 24.3% 24.4% 76.2% 2.90
Oregon 46.6% 26.4% 21.5% 86.6% 0.76
Pennsylvania 46.4% 24.8% 23.8% 85.4% 0.99
RhodeIsland 31.9% 27.6% 18.4% 85.0% 0.84
SouthCarolina 56.9% 22.3% 24.5% 67.2% 1.66
SouthDakota 60.3% 23.9% 22.9% 88.7% 1.57
Tennessee 51.2% 23.5% 25.0% 80.2% 1.93
Texas 59.3% 24.7% 24.6% 71.0% 1.72
Utah 67.2% 28.4% 20.8% 89.2% 1.49
Vermont 40.8% 31.3% 19.6% 96.8% 0.65
Virginia 52.5% 34.2% 21.7% 72.3% 1.22
Washington 44.6% 28.8% 21.7% 81.8% 0.62
WestVirginia 51.9% 15.3% 27.7% 95.0% 1.71
Wisconsin 47.6% 24.1% 20.9% 88.9% 1.52
Wyoming 69.2% 20.7% 20.1% 92.1% 2.19

Sadly, this appetite for food is a symptom of a greater social malaise. There in the South live the greatest concentration of Bible-Beaters on the planet. The region is home to the Christian Taliban, who attempt at every opportunity to install a Christian government on America. Ignoring the constitutional mandate for a separation between church and state exposes these Southern Christians for what they are, or rather for what they aren’t; Real Americans!

Real Americans understand and venerate the Constitution and the Bill of Rights for the miracle that they are and try to preserve those rights, not curtail them. It is the red states that hate freedom. So let’s skip all the fuss this time around. If the South wants to secede, let ‘em. In fact, let’s encourage it. Why should the most progressive, successful, enlightened society on earth be held down and buggered by a bunch of fat, uneducated shoppers?!

The right thing to do is to release these tortured souls, whose version of morality is whites first, women on the bottom and plenty of pork in the barrel. Let them loose to form the more perfect society they crave. Give them liberty. I am going to write to my congressmen and women right now and urge them to allow the South to secede. We can keep the Frozen North...it doesn’t have enough people in it to enforce it’s will on the rest of the nation. But the South has got to go. It was a mistake to keep ‘em last time and it will be to the detriment of all Real Americans, the ones who love freedom, to keep ‘em this time. Believe me...we won’t miss them. Of course, we may have to move.