Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Lets Have Fun: By Jimmy Petrol

It is the benefit of our carefully regulated society that we are protected from the casual violence that can come from debate; the barroom brawl is even falling out of vouge, as this staple of redneck discourse is now a sure ticket to jail in most parts.

In fact, this "civilized" requirement in our behavior is the factor that allows lawyers to loot retirement accounts, HMOs to routinely disallow critical health benefits and any depth of "legal but immoral" behavior.

It occurred to me at the ripe age of 26 that I could, in fact, say anything I cared, to anybody (except, of course, a policeman) and that the response would always be "civilized". That is, nobody is going to punch JP out for being rude and obnoxious.

Up until that time, JP's betters were sometimes rude, condescending and generally conducted themselves and their business in ways that were beneficial to them, not JP.

All that changed.

What I knew then, and know now, is that I am willing to punch these people, but that I am constrained by a strong sense that I want to stay out of jail. Ergo, I will only commit violence to protect myself.

But what others can sense is that I am willing. The bad little monkeys that I have issue with are generally wholehearted supporters of the social contract of non-violence; they generally commit actions that would get their smug little butts kicked in a better world. They are secure in the knowledge that they can rob and plunder, drive Hummers, plant lawns in the desert and generally act in ways that are rapacious without fear of physical reprisal. Dupe a dummy and suffer no consequence.

But the gate swings both ways.

It has been my experience that I can casually mention what I think of Hummer drivers to a Hummer owner. So long as I smile and keep my tone conversational and condescending, there is nothing anyone can do. Same for lawn owners, drugstore cowboy truck drivers and all manner of over-consumptive monkeys; there is nothing they can do except be embarrassed.

The main reason this works, I think, is that the monkeys that engage in this sort of "primary" antisocial behavior (oink, oink) are actually a bit on the dim side intellectually. When they are faced with another monkey that can hone in on the problem without getting into the cute little rationales these people use to justify piggy behavior, they just get mad.

But remember; they can't hit you, shoot you, have you arrested or do anything except call you names.

They reason for this limited response is a limited I.Q.

So let's have fun. When you are next to a dumb-shit that drives a big machine, talk about the lack of self-esteem it must take to drive a Suburban.

If your neighbor plants a lawn, look down your nose at him and smile a knowing smile. Say something cute about the confusion "transplants" to the desert must feel when they try to understand the climate.

You get the idea.

If you are smart enough to know how to behave, don't imagine that the rest of the planet is too. They aren't.

What they are is proud, dim-witted little lords and ladies that have a huge investiture in their appearance; that is why they drive what they drive, etc, etc.

So what we can do to help them with this handicap, this condition of mental retardation, is to make fun of them. Taunt them.

Go ahead; have fun. It isn't bullying, it's just a form of social interaction that is underutilized and very effective; ostracism . Take the fun out of conspicuous consumption. Hit ‘em where it hurts; in that little ,tiny, great, big ego.

Make it hurt to be a forty-year old baby. Stick a figurative finger in a figurative eye today and save a stupid person from himself.

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