Voodoo Nation: By Jimmy Petrol

The Guys That Make Money the Way Things Are are already screaming "Scary Black Man" and warning against "unwise" energy policies. So, the Guys Who Are Scared Of Any Hardship will vote for More of the Same McCain. What are we to do, Toto?

Toto tells me often that the problem with a "democracy" is that not- too- bright people will never vote to make life anything but easier, even if it means that things are going to get worse someday in the future because they refuse to bite the bullet now. Toto actually said, "bite the mailman", but I know he was kidding, as it is a crime to advocate harming a government official.

That is why it is important for all you Munchkins (yum!) to follow instructions very carefully.

Toto and I believe in the "Power of Prayer".

Shock and Dismay!

There is just a little bit of a difference from what you may have learned about in your travels through America's churches; we think prayer should have a bite. (Toto has had quite an influence on my religious attitudes).

Voodoo has a nice ring to it, yes? Voodoo. Oh My!

The thing is, it isn't working to "work within the system"; that is a trap. There are systems in place to thwart any change, the most effective of them the fear resident in the average voter. With a little creativity, it is quite simple to pass laws and elect officials that will uphold them; laws that are counter to the survival of intelligent life.

Ergo, it falls to the intelligent to join in the "democratic process" in as an effective way as the fear mongers that control the vote; i.e., scare the voters. Keeping in mind the intellectual level of the Conservative campaign, we can infer the intellectual level of the voter we seek to influence. This is where we get to the fun part.

Toto and I have a little doll. Actually, we have a lot of little dolls. They are effigies of our nation's favorite radio talk-show host (that's the big, fat one) our least honest leaders (that's the one that looks like Alfred E Newman) and the average Joe and Jane Conservative voters (those are the ones doing it "missionary style" on the little toy bed. Whoops! They are already done! Boy, is Joe Quick! Oh oh, it looks like Jane has a little Voodoo doll of her own!)

Now I just like to have these little effigies around for parties. If you watch them closely, they tend to suddenly burst into flames! Really! Especially the fat talk show host! But Toto likes to chew on them. I try to tell him that it is illegal to harm anyone in America, unless they are brown, black, Gay, or female, but he just keeps chewing.

I used to think it was all just fun, but I have a couple of friends that are Conservative Joes and Janes; they are scandalized by my little Voodoo fun. In fact, clairvoyant as I sometimes am, it is plain to me that they are downright scared of it all.

So here is the plan. Get a little Voodoo nation going of your own. Let your little dog, or your last lover (whichever is more viscous, or bites more) chew on them. If you are going on a cruise, keelhaul some of them; be sure to let your shipmates see the labels on the little Joe and Jane dolls that identify them as Conservative Voters. I know, you don't think this will work.

It may not; not all by itself. But just think....if we spend this election doing scary things to the silly, not- too- bright and not- too -brave voters that elected Baby Bush and Lord Cheney, we may get the hang of American Electioneering and actually be able to field a candidate that has a chance someday.

I wonder what kind of a candidate would be pro-earth and scary? Hmmmmm....I know of one, but you have to email me if you want to know. Meanwhile, just hum "Over the Rainbow" and hold onto your ass. Electing More of the Same McCain doesn't just mean we get to stay on in Iraq; it means more of the same.

Ready to get those Voodoo dolls going yet? Really, I swear; they little brained people are scared of them. Oh! The fat one just burst into flames again! And little Joe and Jane are so confused!