Legislature Stymied By Governor - By Jimmy Petrol

Recently, the Arizona Legislature attempted to legalize gunplay. Not gun-firing, just waving and brandishing...as we reported in this column some weeks ago. The state's governor vetoed the measure just the other day, to the relief of this reporter, who's supply of ammunition has run low in anticipation of the passage of this odd law.

I knew that the boys in the capitol would be burning with chagrin at having the Little Lady Governor stop the fun, so I called a lobbyist I know to get the scoop on the next round of legislation; in short, what would the boys do now? I rang him up and got the rundown.

"You're dead on, this time, Jimbo." The voice had a hint of amusement to it, a bit of wonder. He went on; "The guys are hopping mad about the Little Lady not understanding what it is to be a man in the Old West. Why, some of them have taken to wearing their six-shooters right on the hip, just to keep her going. But some of them are smarter, and have hired a think-tank to get a handle on what went wrong. There's a lot of talk in the capitol about the governor's soundness of mind....whether she could be of sound mind and still veto a bill thought by so many to be just right and hot stuff. The smarter boys aren't going with this; they're the ones that have gone to the Think-Tank for answers. Getting the rights of Arizonans legislated up right and proper is the first priority of the boys in the capitol, see, and they mean to get around the Little Lady somehow, even if it means swallowing a heap of pride and asking ‘smart' guys for a little help."

There wasn't much more my friend, who's name I cannot remember at this moment, could tell me. The think tanks that Arizona legislators would condescend to are few. The elite minds of the Rand Corporation or the political scientists of the Universities would never do, I knew, as they have a frame of reference several centuries later than the one the Arizona Legislature is stuck in. I knew of only one group that would suit; the guys that used to work for the tobacco companies; the men (formerly) of the Tobacco Institute.

Finding them turned out to be a snap. A few choice words to my mother on my cell phone, and they rang me right up. Having at long last had to give up with the tobacco "smoke-screen", they had moved right into a steady gig for the Feds. All I had to do was intimate to my mother over the airwaves that I had a genuine Eskimo that was willing to go public and say that the weather in the Far North was colder now than when he was a boy.....presto. My phone rang. The voice on the other end sounded like it was deep in a cave...an "undisclosed location", no doubt.

"Jimmy," came the faint, hollow voice over the airwaves, "we got it from your mom that you have Nanook of the North in your pocket and won't let him tell the truth about global warming." There was a pause, heavy with menace. She went on, "Jimmy," now the voice was sweeter, almost warm, "we know you journalists would rather have a sensational story than the boring truth that global warming is a hoax, but I want to appeal directly to your manhood on this one. Give up Nanook or I personally take off your balls." The voice was still warmer, more friendly. I knew instantly who I was up against.

"Ms. Coulter," I ventured, and there was an audible gasp in my earpiece, " I don't have Nanook, exactly, but I know a fellow that knows a lady that knows a guy. I can get him anytime. But it will cost."

"You bastard traitor, son of a Greek donkey!" she fumed. I had hit it just right. "You turncoats are all about money. How much for Nanook.?" I was smooth, my voice like honey, "Oh, my, Ms. Coulter. May I call you Ann? No? Well, no matter, I feel I know you so intimately anyway. What I want is a line on the Arizona Law boys. What's next? The Little Lady in the capitol has vetoed the latest "weapons rights for the wealthy"bill and they are mad as little hornets. I need to know what they are planning...or rather, what you guys are recommending, since we know they have called in the "brains" on this one." I knew this would flatter her.

She mused. "Look you putrid foreigner," I knew she would deal now, as her tone was warming. "We've gotta admit, we are helping your boys out down there in Arizona. That "lady" governor of yours just can't get her head around the rights and privileges that go naturally to the wealthy. We have them fixed up though. We figure they have to fly a little "rights for the working class" stuff for her, just to prime her to the line of reasoning we are on. So we have a little law coming up that will allow tradesmen to commandeer trucks from people who are just driving around in them to compensate for small brains or penises."

This was a surprise; I didn't think the boys in the Arizona Legislature would do anything for the working man even as a ruse; it would set bad precedent. I said so. "Don't be silly, Petrol. Nobody will enforce it. Toothless laws for the working man have always been quite good enough to placate them. But if the governor sees that we are willing to give extraordinary rights to the working stiff, she may begin to see the wisdom in giving special rights to the wealthy. That's the plan." I was impressed, and said so. "Well you might be, Petrol. We are going to take the governor to the mat with this one." There was a confidence in her voice that was almost frightening. Thank goodness it is impossible to be frightened by the mentally negligible.