Thursday, January 29, 2009

Financier Trap By Jimmy Petrol

In the deep and luxuriant jungles of Sumatra and Borneo, the Orangutan has always been hunted by man. Unsavory practice, what with the remarkable resemblance the animal has to humans, most notably Karl Rove, but there you are.

What is surprising is that this supposedly Jungle-wise primate routinely falls for an elementary ruse: the hunter simply places a large piece of fruit or other yummy Orangutan foodstuff in the hollow of a handy tree, the hollow being just large enough to get the fruit into. The idea then is to wait patiently and silently nearby, remaining undetectable to the ambulatory Orangutan who may pass by and by some sense that escapes me, intuit the presence of the foodstuffs in the hollow tree.

Having detected said foodstuffs, by scent or intuition or by visiting the Psychic Hotline, the Orangutan cannot fail to press a greedy, hungry hand into the oddly convenient tree and grasp the fruit (or cheese, or bottle of "three-buck-chuck", as it may be).

It is often the case that the ambulatory Orangutan, once in possession of a fruit or other foodstuff, is loath to let it go again, for fear that it may be snatched up by another passing Orangutan. In this way, the primate is markedly similar to the American Financier, genus of Graspus-Imoralis. As is the case with the American primate, the Orangutan cannot countenance the idea of another of his species getting anything away from him. The Orangutan simply struggles to pull the foodstuffs from the interior of the tree, which he cannot do since his hand, when wrapped firmly about the fruit, cheese or bottle of chuck, is too large to exit the conveniently sized exit hole. One imagines that an industrious population of hunters would have set to breeding these handy trees with such usefully sized hollows, but there you are again.

With the Orangutan, much again as with the primate Financier, it is an easy thing to throw a net over him while he struggles to pull the foodstuffs from the tree. So intent is the animal, that this is apparently the preferred method in the deep and dark jungles amongst his hunters. In lieu of a net, one may, I am told, also employ the club, the rock other blunt object. The more professional of Orangutan hunters often employ a second ruse to insure a docile and easily captured Orangutan. The experienced hunter approaches the struggling Orangutan with an outstretched hand containing another attractive morsel, or perhaps, in the case of the more sophisticated, Uptown Orangutan, simply a corkscrew and a glass for the three-buck-chuck still inside the tree. An Orangutan so hobbled, both hands filled with booty, is unable to defend against capture and is easily taken.

To transfer this secret, ancient wisdom from the venerable Sumatran and Bornean hunter and apply it to the American problems in its financial sector is the aim of the newly formed branch of the Treasury Department, the Bureau of Financier Abatement. (As a side note, this is actually a branch of the Treasury which has been re-assigned, it's original job having become obsolete, owing to the precipitous devaluation of American currency; the Bureau of Counterfeiting has been dissolved, as nobody bothers to counterfeit American money anymore).

Drawing upon this primal wisdom, the Treasury will begin next week to install similar ruses in banks in the larger American cities. Instead of trees with conveniently sized hollows, the effort will employ strategically placed and specially constructed safety-deposit boxes. Treasury agents will, at their discretion, install these boxes in districts frequented by the primate Graspus-Imoralis, and lie in wait, undetected. The boxes will simply be left unattended in the vaults which are routinely frequented by the American Financier when he (or she) ambles in to stash another wad of cash which has been pried from the small investor. The unattended Treasury boxes will have the keys dangling from the locks. The Financier, with his sharp instincts always watching for unattended valuables, will undoubtably investigate the ruse, whereupon the Treasury agents will swoop in and make the capture.

While not as honestly sophisticated as the Sumatran and Bornean original, this device should be effective in ferreting out the aberrant personality types so common in the primate Financier. We look forward to the likely success of this new tactic, as well as to the enjoyment of the inevitable "perp-walk" of some of Wall Street's finest.

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