Much Ado - By Jack Melichar

You want to be a what? Who would have thought of Sarah Palin as an aspiring writer? If that doesn't cause you to fall into a swoon, think of Joe the Plumber at his desk with pen in hand.

Let us first consider the case of the inarticulate turkey pardoner, Governor Palin (don't get your hopes up Bush). On second thought, perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to forgive the "decider" provided, of course, that Cheney winds up with his head in a funnel like object as did that poor bird who was being executed behind the Governor as she pardoned away. Rather a pleasant thought, eh?

But I digress. Palin, who is said to be worth $7 million for her soaring prose, is nothing short of a joke. Why should anyone who so abuses the language be paid? Rather, she should be sent back to school – perhaps the second grade would suffice – to, hopefully, make some progress in learning to speak English. I would be satisfied if she could come close to using it as a second language. She could keep the gibberish she spouts as her first language, as long as she doesn't use it in public.

Permit me to illustrate: Ms. Palin was asked by Matt Laurer when she knew the election was lost. Her response: "I had great faith that, you know, perhaps when that voter entered that voting booth and closed that curtain that what would kick in for them was, perhaps a bold step that would have to be taken in casting a vote for us, but having to put a lot of faith in that commitment we tried to articulate that we were the true change agent that would progress this nation."

Huh? I have no idea what she was trying to say in that thicket of words. I certainly wouldn't want to be her editor.

Then there is Samuel Wurzelbacher, aka Joe the plumber. Well, truth be told, he is not really a plumber. He doesn't have a license so he is more like Joe the Handyman. He will not be held up as a model for the good American citizen since he didn't pay his full share of taxes. He has not been particularly successful so far in his life and now he aspires to join the ranks of Churchill, Hemingway and Shakespeare! Yeah, right! Joe, you would be better off selling whatever it is you are smoking.

Tell you what, Joe, you come to Tucson and write this column (which is, after all, quite easy (I might add that I am paid accordingly), and I will travel to Ohio and install a bidet in your bathroom. By the way, I don't guarantee my work, and for all I know, I might have the water pressure wrong, and you may find yourself blown off the porcelain princess. So sorry!

While I will miss Bush and his contribution to weird language usage, these two bozos will fill in the void quite nicely. Well boys and girls, we are getting to the end of the debacle known as the Bush Presidency. Yay!