Much Ado About Nothing By Jack Melichar

NEWS FLASH This just in to the Observer. Santa has been arrested in a mall in Phoenix. According to Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Santa allegedly called a lady a Ho. According to the sheriff, Santa was heard to exclaim Merry Christmas, and then added Ho – not once but three times. He deserves to wear pink underwear and eat green bologna sandwiches!

But I digress, and I haven't even started. I recall, as a child, hearing that "favorite" Christmas Carol, The Twelve Days of Christmas and was very perplexed. There was absolutely no reference to thank you notes. Having been brought up in the old school (and missies, I do mean old!) I was taught to respond to a gift with a brief note of gratitude. Sometimes they were difficult to write. How do you show gratitude for neckties – you hate them – that makes you look like an escaped clown from the Ringling Brothers circus? But here was a lady who had received such luxurious gifts, and not one "thank you". Those of you who know me know that I will go out of my way to help restore the reputation of someone who had theirs besmirched. I have, therefore, elected to salvage the reputation of this damsel, and write the notes for her.

Day 1 - My Dearest, Sweetest Poopsie, What a wonderful and thoughtful gift. The partridge is so quaint and cuddly, and you know how I love pears. Thank you so much. Your lover, Missy Mae

Day 2 - Oh Dearest, Sweetest Poopsie, The turtle doves are just so precious. I love hearing them cooing. I just can't wait until we can hear them coo together, and we can coo along! Your lover, Missy Mae

Day 3 - Dear Poopsie, I cannot believe your extravagance. Three French Hens and yet another pear tree. My little plot will soon look like a nursery – and not the kind I was hoping for. As always, Missy Mae

Day 4 - Dear Poopsie, My, my, my! More birds. Now I have four calling birds to add to my collection. I do hope you are not planning on going overboard with our feathered friends. Yours, Missy Mae

Day 5 - Poopsie, Oh, the five gold rings are exquisite. But, darling, you must see that I have quite enough birds and pear trees. Thank you, though, for the rings. With love, Missy Mae

Day 6 - Dear Brucie, More Birds! What am I to do with all the geese eggs? Six a day! Do you know what that would do to my heart – ingesting all that cholesterol? I do hope you don't wish for me to pass on. Missy Mae

Day 7 - Bruce, What's with you and the f???ing birds? I must be very careful where I walk. They are not the tidiest of creatures, you know. Please, no more g d. birds. Missy

Day 8 - Bruce, What am I supposed to do with eight cows and eight maids a milking? Do you think I have aspirations to become a dairy farmer? Please, your generosity is overwhelming – you have no idea of just how overwhelming. And, please, please, no more birds! Missy

Day 9 - You have totally ignored my request for no more birds. On top of that you have sent me nine ladies dancing. Are you implying that I am attracted to those of my own sex? Of all people, you should know better – I wasn't faking. Penelope

Day 10 - Great, you moron, just great! The lords a leaping are leaping all over the maids a milking. The cows are bellowing because the milking maids have other things on their mind. The birds squawk constantly, and I think I am about to loose my mind. Stop! Stop! Stop! Penelope

Day 11 - Just wonderful, meathead! Eleven pipers piping. And do they ever pipe – mostly each other! At least they are sort of quiet until one finds he has been left out. My friend, Robert (the one who prefers to be called Roberta) showed them some interesting ways to get around the odd number. That has helped, but I must insist, no more! No more! No more! No more f???ing birds!!! Penelope

Day 12 - That's it buster! I can't move from my house for fear of stepping in a cow pie or something that those f???ing birds have left behind. I don't dare walk under the pear trees because the partridges have developed diarrhea, no doubt due to all the commotion. It won't matter, though. In a few days, we are going to flush them out and have a grand hunt. One more thing, the twelve drummers drumming are having a great time with the eleven pipers piping, and, of course, with Roberta, who told me he is having a ball. I expect you to pay to have all the droppings from 184 birds and 40 cows removed – forthwith! The next note you get will be from my lawyer! Your enemy forever, Penelope Throckmorton

Hope you have a very Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah of Festive Festivus or whatever holiday you celebrate.