Thursday, October 23, 2008

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote - By Jimmy Petrol

Everyone, everywhere is trying to convince you to vote. Most often, they cite it as a civic duty; the intimation is that it is irresponsible not to vote. It is common knowledge that most people shouldn't even attempt relatively simply tasks like fixing the kitchen sink or patching the roof, let alone tackling more complex things, like do their own taxes. We accept this; expertise, training and experience are crucial for success.

Our limited knowledge of financial markets, international politics, military matters, et al, make it doubly important that we do not pretend that our emotional and selfish political opinions should become national policy.

Here are the Top Ten indications that you, personally, might have a responsibility to not vote:

1. You know who popularized "Top Ten" lists, and think he is an insightful news commentator instead of a comedian.

2. You watch Saturday Night Live when a candidate makes a personal appearance and think that you have seen the "real" candidate, who was naturally funny and quick, instead of a stiff, reading from a script.

3. You think that it is possible for a single issue to be more important than a host of other issues.

4. You vote a "party ticket", proudly posturing as either a "conservative" or a "liberal", whichever tends to get you more money and/or sex.

5. You think that people who are not adherents to your particular religious doctrine cannot "know" God.

6. You think it is alright to do something just because you can afford don't want to vote, you want to be a little king (or queen).

7. You invested in the "Dot Coms", then the "Tech" stocks, refinanced your house when the equity spiked and put what you didn't blow into the "market" .... members of the "herd" don't vote, they stampede.

8. You think there is lots of water, arable land, fish in the sea and happy days ahead for the earth, because the human intellect will "find" technological solutions that will provide infinite amounts of resources for humans to consume.

9. You think "God" can be on "our side" when we send our boys to go kill somebody else, whose "God" they think is on "their" side.

10. You would vote to go to war, but are not planning on going, because you are too old, rich, fat, out of shape, not a good shot, etc. People that expect children to fight for them are modern-day, throw the sacrificial child into the volcano so we can have good crops kinds of people, not responsible voters.

If you score one point out of ten, just be very careful. If you score two-to-three of ten, check to see if you are drinking a little too much. Scores of four to six indicate a level of arrogant-self-righteousness that usually indicates a very poor sex life; concentrate on becoming a viable candidate for romance and forget about everything else until you are out of your lonely little world.

If you scored above six, it is likely that your general level of comprehension is so low that you don't "get" it anyway. The best thing for you to do is enlist in the United States Armed Forces. They are looking for people whose moral values are easy to imprint and who don't mind getting killed for "our" God and "our" country while trying to kill some other poor bastard that is just as eager to give his/her all for "their" God and "their" country. Point of fact, you can't hold a complex, contradictory construction in your head, so don't try.

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